letters to God

i was reading my old journal the other day. i don't like to do this. i don't particularly like rehashing everything written in there. lots of scars:

"is it worth it?"

"I doubt my relationships"

"Lord, why do you do this to me?"

"I said my first goodbye of many today. Stef leaves for Croatia tomorrow"

"this frustrates me to no end"

"I'm the ONE thing i thought i'd never be. it sucks"

"I hate being broken. it makes me feel things that i don't want to feel"



but lots of love:

"today my goal is to love everyone wholeheartedly"

"i guess i'm doing the right thing cause time flies when you're having fun"



but i love reading how i've grown and what i've learned:

"don't focus on the problems of the heard, it's overwhelming. we are all sinners"

"things go wrong in life, we either wrestle with God or disown them. you become stronger from wrestling."

"you can fake it to everyone else, but you can't fake out yourself"


i don't like reading my old journals. but when i start reading them, i can't stop. it's like going back in time. my journal from the end of senior year reminds me of all of the love and the togetherness i felt. all of the great community. i love that. it's like a time machine that makes my heart re-live all of those things. the awful bittersweetness of graduation. the joy in the summer nights at forest hills. the sweet sweet things that i never want to forget are only pages away.