First off: i apologize. this post is very jumbled. probably hard to follow. thoughts just kept coming to me.
I hate that i no longer see that back home. I'm so tight with one of the guys. it hurts me to hear the things he tells me. same with my best girl. she's hurt too. why do we call each other brothers and sisters? is it because we fight like brothers and sisters? apparently. why are we always hurting each other?
you know what kills me? i used to be the tightest with the very people that make him feel this way. when i go back and read my old posts, i think, WHY were we so close? i hate reading those. i wish i could have seen them for who they are now. don't get me wrong, they're still great guys. and girls, for that matter. some of the best. but the way they treat their "brothers" and "sisters" makes me sick. i know it first hand. i felt like i was never good enough for them. but i am good enough. the Lord loves me. i was finding comfort and love in those friendships and that was wrong. but that doesn't mean that there shouldn't be comfort and love there! i felt like i earned the right to be their sister. same with my best girl and guy.
when you call someone your friend, you expect them to be loyal. when you call someone your brother you know them on a deeper level. you know their heart. you care deeply about their life. you help them if they struggle, and they help you back.
what hurt me so much last year is that when i started to struggle, i went from their sister, to a kid they were trying to lead to Christ. that hurts. we were all a team. leading kids. but as soon as I became a weak link, it felt like they cut me out. i just plain don't understand that. it was my initial sin that made me feel like they treated me differently. like an outsider. and that caused more sin.
i know it hurt me. i know it hurts Tricia and Charles. i just don't understand it. i literally don't. Tricia is my sister and she will be my sister through thick and thin. through struggles. through pain. why do some of them not understand that? Tonight was the Roanoke YL banquet. some of mine, and theirs, best brothers were giving their testimony. that is hard, dude. i would have given anything to be there to show my girls my support. but from what i heard, it seems like no one went to support their brothers. WHY? it is not hard. if i'd had a car i would have driven 4 hours to see Kate tonight. why wouldn't they show for support?
I feel like that's the prime example of the community i left behind. they call themselves brothers and sisters, but don't live it out. when someone struggles, they don't stand behind them. they leave them in the cold. that leads to more struggles. they drop like flies. and the ones that drop are hurt. deeply. i know. i was one of them. i think it is near blasphemy to call that a family in Christ. just look in the Word and you'll find that. praying for that community. there are a lot of problems, but nothin' the Lord can't fix.
"A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in a time of need." ~ Proverbs 17:17
"There are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother." ~ Proverbs 18:24
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